KEEP IT DARK -

“They make a speciality of crude humour in the outback, maybe as a defence mechanism against the harsh realities of life. And of course, no one caught in a predicament likely to make a good yarn need expect it to be kept dark. On one of my visits to Dampier, the two nurses with whom I was billeted told me that a few nights before they had been awakened by two men carrying in an injured mate. ‘What happened to him?’ they asked the men who answered, ‘No idea, we found him lying outside his house. He’s quite conscious but seems too shocked to talk.’

Having got the patient to bed the girls found that he had a curious assortment of injuries; a lacerated scalp, a broken leg and third degree burns to his buttocks. He refused to explain to them what had happened, nor would he tell the doctor whom the nurses called.

‘Well, I just can’t treat you until I know,’ the doctor said ‘it might be a police matter.’

The patient rolled agonised eyes toward the nurses. ‘All right’ he moaned, ‘I’ll tell you but get them out of here first.’

The nurses retreated to their living quarters, whence they heard mumbled voices followed by a bellow of laughter from the doctor. When he called the girls back to assist with the treatment, he had regained his professional composure, but when the job was done and he was about to leave he could contain himself no longer. ‘I promised not to tell’ he said, ‘but I just can’t resist it.’”

Well it turned out that the patient had been treating his water tanks for mosquito lave by using kerosene. With the remaining amount in the can he also decided to clean the toilet bowl and then, without flushing, had decided to use the toilet and settled down to get to business.

Pulling out a magazine he then lit a cigarette and puffed away contentedly before dropping the still lit butt between his legs and in to the toilet. The resulting explosion destroyed the toilet, propelled him upwards and as he fell back down he struck his head on the remains of the bowl (hence the laceration) and came down with one leg folded in an awkward way (resulting in a broken leg). The reason for the burns on his buttocks should be self-evident.

Of course, in a small outback community, it was next to impossible to keep such a juicy story secret and it would have done the rounds many times, much to the embarrassment of the victim.

From: Flying Nurse by Robin Miller.

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